Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
