Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize