Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
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