Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
