First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
