He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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