awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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