All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
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