My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
