yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
