actually, I'm a sock model
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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