My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
