i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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