Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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