I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
