I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
