i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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