I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
