smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
