I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
