i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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