What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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