I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
