as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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