Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
