the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize