Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
