oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
