Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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