Why are handjobs necessary in class?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
