that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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