Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
