I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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