I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
