if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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