I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize