How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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