My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
