Your dad touched me again.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
