the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
