y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
