Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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