my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
