the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
