Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize