She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
