Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
