who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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