your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Randomize
