There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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