I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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