I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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