He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
