A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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