So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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