Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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