Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
