dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
