Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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