I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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