Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
