THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
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