i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
