She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
