You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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