No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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