If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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