She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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