Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
that may or may not have been my penis.
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