he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
