remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
