I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
